On the outside, she looks like she does every day, On the inside, she’s shaking, By Gina Decicco When I tell most people that I have an anxiety disorder, they nod their heads and tell me it’ll be OK.
But when I tell them, “I’m sorry, I’m having a bad anxiety day, can we reschedule?” they smile and tell me there’s nothing to worry about.
They tell me that if I just get out of bed, I’ll see that everything is fine. And when I don’t want to go bar hopping because I know that alcohol only increases my anxious tendencies, I hear, “You’re fine. It’ll be fun. Let off some steam!” Meanwhile, my heart is pounding so fast that I’m afraid it may be visibly beating out of my chest. But it isn’t. My head isn’t actually spinning in circles.
My eyes are not crossed like my blurred vision indicates, my knees aren’t wobbling along with the trembling muscles fighting the urge to collapse. My face isn’t pale, and my eyes aren’t bloodshot, on the outside, I look like I do every day, my hair is clean; my clothes match, I am awake, alive, and breathing fine, so nothing is wrong, right? That’s the thing about anxiety disorders: We look fine, our legs aren’t broken, our tongues haven’t been cut out, we aren’t cut or bruised, Anxiety is not a physical disability, but that doesn’t make it any less debilitating.
Anxiety is complex, and when people tell me that everything is OK, it isn’t just unhelpful. In fact, it can even hurt me more because it seems like nobody takes my anxiety seriously. So here are some things I would like you to know about struggling with anxiety:
1. It isn’t constant. There are days when I can make it through without having to stop and breathe or pop a Xanax. I can smile and laugh. I can be productive and go to work, go out to dinner, go see a movie with my friends. And trust me, I know how difficult it is to understand how I can be fine one day and the next not be able to get out of bed. That’s just how it is.
2. It comes in waves. Anxiety is a strange beast. It will let me have some fun for a couple of days until I think, “Hmm, maybe it’s finally left me alone.” Then I’ll wake up the next morning unable to even think straight because for whatever reason, the beast has once again emerged. There is nothing I can do to stop it from coming because I have woken up to it sitting on my chest smiling as if I’m welcoming it home.
3. It can be completely paralyzing. I don’t know if this one applies to everyone, but I know this paralyzing fear is a very big piece of my anxiety disorder. When anxiety hits, I am frozen. I can get up and go through the motions of my day, but my brain is elsewhere, held captive by whatever “demon” is inhabiting me this time. I cannot think about anything except my inability to think or breathe or feel. My brain feels like it is literally paralyzed, as if it is stuck in some kind of limbo with no doors or windows or exits of any kind. The worst part? I’m completely alone in there.
4. It can ruin relationships. relationships, but a relationship of any kind. Friendships and relationships alike can be destroyed by this condition. I have experienced both, and it is the most devastating kind of loss. Why? Because it is not our fault. Anxiety is a disorder that without the knowledge of how to care for it properly can explode over time. Eventually, it can become too much for someone else to carry around with them. If someone becomes close enough to you to experience firsthand the effects of your own anxiety, there’s a chance that it can become too much for them. They might sever the ties for their own mental health. And it hurts like hell.
5. It can make trust nearly impossible. And I know it sounds awful to blame trust issues on anxiety, but in all honestly, it’s not placing blame, it’s placing responsibility. Anxiety almost never fails to make you think the worst of every situation. If someone doesn’t answer my text, well then that’s it, they no longer like me. If someone doesn’t text me first, they don’t think about me. Someone is busy? Forget it. They just have better things to do with their time than spend it with me. I sound ridiculous, right? Welcome to the anxiety life. We do not have cookies, sorry, but can I interest you in crippling loneliness at a table for one? No? Didn’t think so.
6. I do not want this. Do you really think that if I had a choice I would choose to let down the people who love me because I can’t handle a simple outing? Do you think that I want to be so afraid to get out of bed that instead I call off work and cry to “Grey’s Anatomy” for 13 hours in a row? Probably not. Would you choose that? So when you tell us that we’re being dramatic and just looking for attention, take a second and think about what you’re saying. Nobody, I repeat nobody, wants this.
7. I wish every day that I wasn’t like this. There’s always a little voice in the back of my head telling me just how great my life could be if I wasn’t this way. If I could just not have anxiety, everything would be OK. I could actually be happy and trust that the happiness was not a joke or a trick that the other shoe was not, in fact, ever going to drop. There is no other shoe. But that’s not how I am. To me, no matter how many times I tell myself that everything is OK and I’m being ridiculous, nothing is ever just “all right.” In fact, even the smallest things are a disaster.
8. There are treatments, and I am willing to try them all. Many people who are diagnosed with anxiety are prescribed medication to control it. Most of the time, those medications work to take the edge off and can make me a bit more functional in everyday life. However, simply using medications usually isn’t enough. I have tried going to the gym. The endorphins usually help immensely.
A lot of people take up yoga and breathing exercises. For me, writing, singing, and coloring in my adult coloring books are very comforting. I have found talk therapy to be the greatest tool and worth every penny. Having a therapist who is constantly on your side and there to just let you talk without ever once judging you or blaming you for the condition you’re in is the such a freeing experience. I highly suggest it to anyone struggling with anxiety.
9. I will overcome it. But it will take time. Fighting anxiety can be a never-ending battle with frequent slip ups and breakdowns along the way. I am still in the process personally, and it is not easy. At all. Learning how to overcome anxiety is the most difficult task anyone has ever asked me to complete. But these thoughts, the ones that are not truly mine, feel like poison to my soul. But on those days that I can mark a check in the win category, I feel like I can take on the world.
10. Anxiety is heavy, scary stuff. It is not a visible injury, but that doesn’t make it any less legitimate. We need people in our lives who are willing to help us and support us and understand that we need a lot of that help and support. I won’t think any less of you if you don’t think you can handle the commitment of being a part of my life, but I do ask that you do not get my hopes up and let me down.